Kinky Princess on a Quest

The Long Tail of a Past Romance

2010-08-03T16:08:00.004-04:00

Saying goodbye until it sticks. I've said goodbye to him before. Beautiful tall boy from Honduras with long dreadlocks, searching eyes, clumsy hands, and that needy whiny note in his voice that repulses me every time I hear it.
I love you, Blanche, he says. No, you don't, I admonish. You haven't seen me in over two years. You don't love me.
But I do, he insists. I miss you so much.
I don't think he knows what love is. And I don't think he knows me. His admiration is flattering of course, but... I don't trust it.
How can you say you love me? We only hung out a few times, those many many months ago. And I was foolish enough to go down on you in the basement of the furniture store where you worked. And I was lonely enough to invite you to my home and to my bed. And I gave you another chance after you stood me up, and then another chance when you lost your cellphone, and I let you cook dinner for me in my kitchen with groceries I paid for... until you came to my door at seven in the morning on Sunday. We did not have plans. I suppose you had no place else to go, but I do not run a hostel or a half-way house here. As the buzzer rang out plaintively over and over again I swore that I would never see you again. And I didn't.
But the phone calls, those I could not have predicted.
He disappears for months, then calls me from some random number. If I pick up he says - Hi. Do you know who this is? No, I lie. You don't recognize my voice? he asks. No, I lie again. I don't want to give him any ammunition.
And yeah, I feel really fucking guilty for lying but...
I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you, pretty boy. You need to stop calling me. You are not reliable, you are not responsible, you are not ambitious, you are not the man for me. And nothing you can say will convince me otherwise.
So, no, I don't want to go to McDonald's with you.
And no, I don't want to talk to you on the phone. Listen, I don't want to be your friend.
And no, I'm not angry.
And no, I don't have any problems that you can help me with.
Good bye. I'm trying again.
Take care of yourself. Good bye.

Closure

2009-06-15T13:22:00.003-04:00

It's been a week and I must say goodbye to you in my mind again and again. No formalities. Nothing subtle about it. No handshakes. No long looks. No words like "until we meet again" or
"Hope I see you next lifetime..." I want to say so many things. Tender. Soft. Delicate.
But my words are too fragile for this world of suffering and torment.
I must be like a man in this and shut myself off from you.
You pushed me away with all your might. At least that's how I'm choosing to interpret your actions.
I won't call you again. And I'm sure you won't call me. I owe you thirty bucks. And of course I want to see you again. I'd love to see you again. But I won't reach for it any longer. I won't try to grasp the ungraspable, the brutal misunderstanding between our souls and and world order. I'm helpless against it. And so are you.
Can't make what's true cease to be true. So I must stew in my wild cauldron of emotion and strongly wish to explode one day, but not today. So stuck in this. So covered with the longing, the wallowing, the wishing and the trembling. But also - the other. Resolve. Steel. Freedom. And flight. Resolution to change what must be eroded. The change that begs to occur. The world of difference that's waiting at my door. And who could ask for more.

Magnet

2009-05-31T13:09:00.001-04:00

His cock is a magnet
He pulls at my thoughts and dreams
He pulls at my heart strings
He pulls me toward himself
And he doesn't care whom he hurts in this chaos of a process.
I want him. She wants him. He wants her. And he wants me.
And we're all just lookin for ways to get free.

Ripening Reality

2009-05-30T22:11:00.000-04:00

you touch me. you stroke my hair. you tell me i'm beautiful
and that you want to know me, the real me, who i am. you are fascinated.
you are complicated. you are infatuated with me. and with life. and
your hustlin is muscling its way into my heart
and maybe that's how it has to be right now. can't deny the fire
when you smell flesh burning. the yearning deep
complete whole. i don't understand anything when i'm with you.
why it has to be this way and not that
why it feels so surreal, your lips on my neck, your fingers wet in my core
this, i adore. the appeal of your chains and obligations
so naughty. a nun is supposed to be good. but this one has strayed.
course is uncharted now and my compass is gone haywire.
I despise this desire. And maybe that's half the burn. This infernal longing
has stayed with me too long. But release can mean several choices
the paths diverge and alter with each step. all will be revealed through the goggles
of history. this here now is a mystery, that's why they call it the present. Sweet
gift from life. but what is it? is it his tongue and his fingers? Is it his eyes?
Is it his hair? Why does it have to be so unfair? Its wrong and its sad.
Makes me upset. And lustful glances turn sour as frustration mounts.
The bucking steed, a feral cat, a lion in heat, an ant in front of his queen, an army headed for slaughter.
How can we alter the course of history in such a way as to make this ok?
This hesitant aching gradual taking, this gluing to each other, and getting ripped apart.
Won't you find the answer to this puzzle? cuz its killing me baby. And maybe
next year, maybe next month I'll be fine. But this shit is blowing my mind.
How can you be so kind and so sure and so safe and so steady,
always pistol at the ready. Your approach so slow, subtle, you lie to get what you want.
I know this. But I'm at your spot I can't see through it. Sooner or later
the hesitancy fades. And I'm climbing on your lap gently to kiss you goodbye
Of course that's not how we sing this lullaby. It doesn't take much to get to the edge
Where shields must be worn as per rules of engagement. Fade to black.
I'm edging away. Fearful and delicatly parched. I'm starving for your touch
But I'm thirsty for a reality more ripe than this.

What Can I Do

2009-05-24T21:51:00.000-04:00

thoughts of you tickle my dreams
distract me from the basketball
from the movie
from the weed.
i'm trapped in this need,
my desire to unify water with fire.
it's all right though
cuz three little birds done told me.
and no matter what happens
it felt good to have you hold me
despite all the wayward claims of ownership
all the signals, red flags, stop signs.
I'm wallowing in the mellow mood
of unseen investigations. I'm relying
on instincts to preserve my sanity
while i work on a resolution
some semblance of solution
for this passion between us
hot to the touch. dangerous to reach
impossible to ignore
all the conflicting messages are making me sore
in a secret garden of my insecurities
and fearing the worst i'm my own best friend
worst enemy in the end. and i'll never forget
the way the sun broke through the clouds
above our heads and shone
light into the space between you and I.

Waiting to Pounce

2009-05-16T13:34:00.003-04:00

His touch makes my skin sizzle. His fingertips on my waist, on my back, sliding under my shirt, under my bra. He feels my smooth skin with his rough hands and his tongue meets mine softly. I nibble on his lip, taste the smoky phermones that have captivated me. He smells dirty and delicious, musky and familiar. He smells like he's mine. But he's not mine. He must go back, back to his flat, back to her. He keeps coming back to her. But he thinks about me, tastes me in his dreams.
I hold him close to me as the dogs laze around us. The sun is high and flirtatious, making everything warm, inviting and free. Things that are not free, his ring finger, his heart. Parts of him pressed against me. I'm trembling from the yearning. He adjusts. We adjust. We build on trust. But how combustible is this situation exactly? Very combustible. Molten lava dripping on parched straw and kindling, wood chips, paper, poems... He says to enjoy the fire, relish in the burn, feel alive. I pout. Thrust out my lips in unquenched yearning. I am not insatiable. But I want what I want. And I deserve to get it how I want it. Despite his eyes mesmerizing me, setting fire to my insides, melting my resolve. But my will is forged in steel and this battle is not over yet. I'll be his pet but only on my terms. And so far conditions are far from being met. I must lie in wait and never forget to look out for opportunities to pounce, as juicy prey is close by. I can smell it.

Concrete Jungle - Dennis Brown

2009-05-03T16:13:00.000-04:00

it feels like a jungle until you start to enjoy the concrete
smacking you deep. find the softness in the pain,
you'll never be the same.

These Urges, Strong, Turbulent.

2009-05-02T14:11:00.000-04:00

I'm in lust with him. His tall frame, sure hands, steady gruff voice. His bravado. Assured of the world and his knowledge of it. He's a magician and cast a spell on me. and on my dog. His lips form syllables that wet my panties but I will not be his piece on the side. So we keep it on the level, a balancing act of precarious proportions. And sometimes I wonder if we aren't sliding down some hill of entanglement.
I want him to take pictures of me, strip me, tie me up, bite my lips and my neck, growl into my ear. He's moved closer. But its almost a fraternal intimacy. Or is that just what we're playing at? Think its possible he doesn't feel it too? Our interactions are all business and all friendliness and mutual admiration.
He's magnetic. Draws me in with his confidence, a swagger born of hardship, experience, life lessons learned well. He's sexy as hell. And the whole wife issue in this equation is deeply troubling.
I'm gonna keep my hands to myself and accept all the tumultuous feelings. I'll just be me, do me, the best me, the real me. Keep returning to the middle path, and holding on to my convictions of what I deserve, and what I need, and what I'll have, live my life that way.

Sprung for spring

2009-04-29T13:40:00.004-04:00

Oh boys and girls. What an eventful, but chaste, year its been. My dog is doing great. Its almost a year now since I adopted my sweet pit Princess. She has commandeered most of my time and attention.

Getting closer to the one year abstinence mark. Will that make me a virgin again? All through fall and winter I was fine. Had no need for long looks, hard touches, and swift embraces. But now spring has sprung. And so has the beast inside of me, howling to be set free. Between sheets, on top of tables, on park benches. Among strangers, with friends, by myself alone.

All this clenching desire is making me tense. And snappy.

2006-04-02T00:13:00.000-05:00

not sure if the other wonder woman ever got herself in so much trouble.
imaginary rope is not as sturdy as real rope
counterattacks cannot be prevented... must be expected... and sometimes circumvented.
roll the dice to see who comes out on top,
as long as everyone comes, everyone's happy.
these sheets getting dirrty from us. can't help makin a big ol' fuss since i must
express my aggravation... and frustration - at your skin's exquisite sensation
tantalizing. -- keeps surprising me.

2006-03-20T15:39:00.000-05:00

The taste of your skin is addictive,
The pleasure - restrictive,
aborted, furtive... as it ripens and swells
inside the slick walls of the well.

Thoughts Floating on the Surface

2006-03-10T00:08:00.000-05:00

really soft and slow... the way a gentle breeze blows
and every blade of grass caresses the soles of your feet.
repleat with sunshine and knowing growing... feeling the flowering.
Owning the opening of each petal to the wind.
---

Can't wait to check this out.

Quiver and Arrow

2006-02-28T22:43:00.000-05:00

she quivered at his touch... biting her lip she wondered
is it... what it... well... is he... is she... are they...
damn, it felt so nicesugarnspice... so nice
impossible to tell heaven from hell when you peek the surprise
in a stranger's eyes.
poof....
poof...
the mistake is proof
aloof, alone, deteuffed... rufted tufted abused
badly used.
contusions in the atmosphere.

bleeding as the sun rises, awake and quizzically examining
the day's surprises.
unwise to believe... or wish it was otherwise.
unwise to question
best to bide... one's time and bind one's mind.

listening to the blues... my radio tunes to the broadband
connection i'm stealing... wireless seedless wheels
churning in this machine
bringing this stream to my ears.. allaying my fears
the crooner despairs... and somehow i believe him.

the more you know - the less you see
the more you see - the less you hear
the more you hear - the less you feel
the more you feel - the more you know.... afterglow

A Leterary Journey to the Nile

2006-01-29T00:09:00.000-05:00

rereading the old favorite story of Beauty, in all its glorious brutality and pleasure.
springtime weather in the middle of january, and everybody's smilin.
Taking little sips of the sweetness,
Unzipping the coat just a tiny bit.
stretching our thoughts to the eternal... contstant pull of gravity
of the earth.
Awakening each morning, to find another day
With gratitude and wonder, basking in nature's parade.

Long Time Ago...

2006-01-16T19:09:00.000-05:00

Cuddling in his bed that night, I remember thinking to myself - this could work out to be so perfect. Feeling his hardness with the back of my thigh and reaching back to grab a hold of his wrist... our parents are friends, your mom is wonderful... you live just across the river - it could be just so perfect. I kissed his lips and nuzzled my cheek into his early morning stubble.

A few short weeks later... it was over. I think he came over and talked about working at the butcher shop, and how he ate all sorts of crap all day... whatever anyone would order... and he talked and talked, and talked, as I patiently waited for him to shut up and kiss me. By the time 4am rolled around, I was beginning to question both my sanity and my attraction to this doufus.

Now I still see his mom from time to time. Truly awsome lady, of course she mentions him, he's geting another degree... dating some girl who wants to be a handbag designer and I still wonder - what the fuck happened all those long long years ago? How it felt so electric at the beginning, and totally fizzled out after a couple of lame dates.

Yet I always keep in mind that, as Tom Petty said, - the future is wide open.

New Year People

2006-01-08T02:30:00.000-05:00

Happy new year folks... i hope everyone out there in internetland gets some nice wet kisses and warm hugs this year. everyone deserves to be happy.
and for some odd reason i'm feeling like things are gonna work out for me, for us.
It just feels like there's so much possibility out there... its kinda cool.

All That Is Lost and Not Lost

2005-10-26T01:17:00.000-04:00

The past is past. Forget the worst. I have to learn to let go of my sweet little dream of us... The past is past. A bust's a bust.
Let go of my plans to nuzzle on your neck and stuggle in your arms. Put all that away now. You made it clear you're not the man I hoped you could be. Not ever, not in this lifetime - a man for me. You need to confess, and conduct some experiments in your secret labs of insecurity and delusions. And I can't really be a part of that.
So I have to be... apart.
And nurture my heart to move on... break away. Find another sunny island on which to play. Another hand to hold, other eyes to look up into, other lips, other hands... movin on to that otherness.
sign me,
impatient

Every Time

2005-10-04T20:46:00.000-04:00

Every time I pull my pants down now, I think of him. The way he smelled when I was kissing him in the soft safe darkness of my room. Kissing the same lips that made me shiver and twist... and moan, just a few moments before.
The scent stirs my senses, keeps me on the edge all day long... I can't help but remember... the way it felt. All crazy.
That deep pungent scent which comes from my guts, from my belly, from my chest, from my toes, from my lips - down to my core. A surging wave of wishing, hoping, wondering, maybe if... once more.
And now everytime I change, or visit the loo, I can't help but think and remember. The feeling, so familiar yet so remote. So foreign... inside me. I'm fighting a losing battle with the longing. I'm fighting a losing battle with the sweetness. I'm fighting a losing battle with... my doubts.

Making Out Well

2005-09-12T20:48:00.000-04:00

I really like the scruffiness. The stubble scratching my cheeks, my chin, grazing my lips... making my neck tingle as a blush spreads over my collar bones and down.
My back up against the unrelenting bricks of the wall behind me... the hallway light dim and bright at the same time. I like kissing him. His lips pressing into mine. Trailing down, sweeping aside my sweat shirt and straps that are in the way of his feasting.
I make him leave me... Go home. You have to go.
And he doesn't argue... much.
After he leaves I unlock my door, walk inside... can't stop the goofy grin from spreading over my happy pink face.

Bad, bad girl

2005-09-07T10:29:00.000-04:00

"I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can"
-Fiona Apple, Criminal

Its not fair to toy with people's emotions.
Not nice to steer the ship into trecherous waters.
But I can't help it...

Safe Sane Conscentual

2005-09-05T23:57:00.000-04:00

got DVR today... watching this show about a couple who are having sexual problems. they're hot. its HBO.
maybe she just needs to be tied up. they don't mention it as a solution.
ah, well... its a backward world we live in.

I read this story at BDSM Library the other day - someone reviewed my story, and I wanted to see what other reviews this person wrote. They reallly seemed to like this one story, so I started to read it. But the big turn off for me was all the forced stuff. I like my sex and scenes conscentual... maybe that's just me. the idea of rape, kidnapping, torture are not hot unless its in a setting of play. its got to be pretend, otherwise its just a fucking tragedy.
Maybe its just me...

I think I'll give K, the date from the other night, another chance. Maybe he was just nervous... after all he got to make out me ME. That's pretty goshdarn special. I'd be fuckin excited, too...

Maybe the biting will come later... How long is ok to wait for biting?

There are other possibilities

2005-09-04T22:25:00.000-04:00

Talked to another guy friend of mine today. He might be a good hookup. Sure wish he wasn't so hung up on his ex though...
He's coming to visit from outa town... might be crashing at my place. He's got such high morals though... bet he won't even go for any making out or anything. Probably for the best anyway. It would be very frustrating if this one guy that i can't have for various reasons is like a really hot hook-up. Which... odds are he won't even be so good.
Aaaaand we're back to square one.
I chatted online last night... made up some little scenes for my little pets. It was kinda hot. I bet I'd be a good top given half the chance.

Comments and such...

2005-09-04T01:23:00.000-04:00

Only day 2 of my quest and already I'm getting comments. This is exciting. Ha! Wheeeeeeeee!
"I dont know that any one can ever fill all of someone elses fantasys, unless those fantasys grow out of friendship and care from one to the other." -anon
Funny that all the comments I got on my last post were anonymous. Come out and play, ya guys!

Ok, so I have nothing against friendship and caring... its just that in my limited time on this planet (this time around - only like 20something odd years) I've found that fantasies rarely come from friendship. I mean, come on! When was the last time you fantasized about buying a good buddy of yours lunch? Can't recall?
I didn't think so.
I can't speak for other people's secret desires and turn-ons, but I know that mine are constantly changing and varying. Its like one day I feel like eating lots of green vegetables and the next day I'm craving a big greasy diner breakfast. Nothing wrong with either choice, but I wouldn't hit up the local vegan joint when I'm in the mood for a bacon egg 'n cheese sammich. I'd just end up disappointed.
Kinda wish it could work the same way with sex...
But the problem there is... you don't really know what you're gonna get until you get your meal served up. And by that point, it wouldn't be at all polite to rush off suddenly feigning a dreadful headache.
So we play these games... where we try to communicate what it is we like and want beforehand, bfore the clothes come off, and the lights dim... kind of like ordering from some unseen menu. (Am I going too far with the food analogy now?) I try to make my inclinations clear, but not sound too scary...

Deke is probably right though...
"But the up side of that is that you get to have all the fun of life looking and expierencing scarry and wonderful things." What would I do without all the yearning, belly clenching, heart palpitating, wishing, praying, hoping, moping...
Life's like so fucking HOT!
And She drives me damn crazy sometimes.

No new developments to report today. I have gotten a few responses to my profile... will let ya know shortly if any of those lead anywhere um.... stimulating. ;)
Until then... good night, all you bad naughty boys and girl. Sweet wet dreams.

The First Entry

2005-09-03T00:52:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I had a date with a new boy... i was disappointed. what is it that i'm looking for?
is it too much to ask for... biting?
what if i don't like all the soft kisses gentle caresses?
what is thats not what turns me on... ya know? Is that bad?
am I a bad girl?
am I a naughty girl?
We're going to discover these things... in this blog.
See how it goes...
Maybe i'll find someone who can fullfill even a quarter of my fantasies. Maybe i'll get tied up, spanked, kissed and fucked like I want to be.
This is a quest of mine... and the Internet seems as likely a place to start as any. I'll try to describe any and all adventures as they occur.

Meanwhile - go check out BDSMLibrary.com